I lay on my futon in Asahikawa, Hokkaido. An unlit cigarette between my lips. I looked up at the peeling ceiling paint. Pale white, uneven and light. A small fan rotated and pushed the air around the room. The Airbnb host had warned against smoking in the apartment. I light up anyway.

Thirty four going on thirty five years old this year. This week, in fact. I deserved a break. A birthday treat. I exhaled the cigarette smoke slowly.

My phone lay screen facing down beside me. Unread messages from the wife vibrating away. I try to forget the child I left disappointed in Singapore. Who I had promised to bring to the zoo that weekend and who I had broken many promises to. My child.

I think back about 2004. Thirteen years ago.

It would snow heavily the night before my twenty first birthday. I would wake up twenty one years of age to witness a white out for the first time. Snow covered every surface outside my dorm room window. I felt awe. A pang of sadness. A future unwritten then.

I can no longer see her face in my mind. That girl.

I have forgotten that I once helped her with her luggage.

All I ever said to her was “Hi”.